Augat

If you are reading this for the first time, please start at the bottom to read the beginning of Brenna's journey.

Gordon and I were praying and fasting for answers.  Along with our family, friends, ward family, and even people we didn’t know who were invited by friends to pray for Brenna in their own faiths.  It was a very ‘close to the Spirit’ time for us.  Gordon said his own prayers and I am grateful he listens for direction.

We were very frustrated with the docs as they had no answers for us and didn’t seem to know what to do next.

On about 8^th day in PICU, we were meeting with the head doc, and Gordon stated, with a surety, “We want you to take Brenna off all the medications she is receiving.”  Well, of course, the head doc was taken aback and fought us on this decision.  He said he would only take her off if we would be there 24/7 to help with the reactions she might have coming off the serious drugs they put into her.  She was on a medication, I think it was Fentanyl, that they couldn’t take her off of unless they administered increasing doses of Methadone up to a certain level and then brought them both down simultaneously.  It was amazing the amount of drugs they so readily introduce to such a little body. 

All the while, Brenna was on a ventilator.  We wanted that out so bad.  The docs kept telling us that was not possible unless Brenna regained her gag reflex.  They would always stick their tongue depressors down her throat with no reaction.  We were frustrated.  And apparently, Brenna was fed up with it too.

On day 10 in the PICU, it was a Sunday.  Gordon and I were at Brenna’s side with a visit from our family friend, Paul.  Brenna started chewing on the ventilator tube and the docs told us if she bit through it, the end would go into her lungs and they would have to do emergency surgery to get it out.  So they tried bite guards in the back of her teeth.  But she kept biting and grinding so hard, she would bite her cheeks and blood started dripping out the sides of her mouth.  We were so frantic.  We insisted the docs take out the ventilator.  Again, he stated, “only if there is a gag.”  So he stuck his stick down her throat and she gagged!  So out the tube came.  After all the hullabaloo, and the docs left, Brenna opened her eyes, looked up at me and smiled the biggest smile.  We cried.  It was a miracle.  Our nurse snapped a Polaroid of the moment.

Later that week, we were told by Gordon’s sister, who lived across the street from us, truly why we were blessed with that miracle.

Our wonderful bishop, Bishop Holloman, asked our ward to fast for Brenna that very Sunday.  Sacrament meeting was first and I heard it was a beautiful meeting.  At the end of the meeting, Bishop Holloman got up to speak.  But he was crying so hard, he had to sit down and write down his thoughts.  His counselor read it for him.  It went something like this:  “There is such a special spirit in this chapel today.  I see angels all about the room.”  Sacrament meeting ended at noon and those angels flew right up to Primary Children’s Hospital and told Brenna to wake up.  She began the ventilator issue about 12:15. 

We were so blessed to witness another modern day miracle in our Brenna’s journey.

  We flew up to PCMC as fast as you can in a Chevy Suburban.  We didn’t beat LifeFlight, however.  When we arrived at Brenna’s bedside in the PICU, she had about 12 tubes and lines hooking into her including a ventilator to help her breathe.  We had never seen a picture quite like this before and especially on our child.  We were astounded.  We were led to a consultation room (which we grew to hate) where the docs all come in and ask questions and tell us things we never thought we’d hear.

  They did an MRI and told us she was like a drowning victim who suffered an ‘hypoxic injury’ (went without oxygen for a bit.)  She had some brain damage-but it was correctable.  They determined that the tumor had nothing to do with this incident and would worry about that at a much later date.  OK.  When you hear ‘cancer,’ don’t you picture immediate action?  It was kind of strange to put cancer on the back burner for 4 months.

  I guess the Lord knows what he is doing because, what we went through the next 6 weeks, my soul could not take on dealing with both situations.  But, Gordon’s strength in his priesthood and faith in God helped me be strong and have pure hope for Brenna’s future.  We just dove in and did what needed to be done.  I remember a mom of another PICU child whom I talked and laughed with for a bit.  A little later she brought Brenna a balloon and shared with me that I helped her deal with her situation because I could laugh.

  She spent 10 days in PICU on roughly 9 meds at one time, on a ventilator, and a feeding tube.  Gordon’s twin brother, Karl, who lived in NY at the time, caught the next flight to SLC and was there with Gordon and Brenna constantly.  He was a welcome strong shoulder for Gordon.  Those who know my husband know he is a very quiet private person.  He is a problem solver (computer programmer) and he was very vexed that he couldn’t solve this one.  Having Karl there for him was so heart touching.  He brought Brenna a stuffed Tigger and laid it in bed next to her.  She loved that Tigger.

  The frustrating thing was that the meds were supposed to sedate and calm her.  But, her eyes would suddenly open and she would thrash in her bed like a recovering drug addict.  It was not good for all the tubes and needles poking into her, so they tied her wrists and ankles to the bed so she wouldn’t move around so much.  It was heart breaking.  I remember one time, we had this FABULOUS nurse named Kory.  He was a tall, dark, and hand…oops, big guy.  Ute was sitting with Brenna while I ran an errand.  And, upon my return, I came upon one of Brenna’s thrashing episodes and both she and Kory were trying to hold Brenna down.  When it ended, they were both sweating.  Brenna is a very strong girl!

  Gordon and I went to the temple about 4 days into this whole thing.  We got to be the token couple and participate in the prayer circle.  Never had the words, “give a blessing to those in this company who are searching,” meant so much to us.  We sat and cried and prayed in the celestial room.  When we returned to Brenna’s bed, our nurse, Elsebet, said she had been inspired to lower the dose of Versed Brenna was receiving.  Miraculously, Brenna calmed down and her episodes were few and far between.  Amazingly, the head doc got upset @ Elsebet for doing it.  But that was the first of many miracles for us.

  Oh, the power of the temple and of prayer and inspiration.  We were grateful our nurse was in tune to be the Lord’s tool for our Sweet Angel.

   Our family went to Brenna’s graveside on Memorial Day and it was a wonderful purple sight to see.  Thank you to everyone for your thoughts and remembrances of our sweet angel.  It humbles us to know that Brenna had an influence in so many lives and she is loved by so many.  There was even a secret friend who left a single purple flower with a bow on it on our doorstep and rang and ran.  Soooo sweet!  We loved it!

  Just for my purposes, because I’m getting old and have been steadily losing my memory brain cells, I want to record all my memories of Brenna’s short journey on earth.  If you’d like to read along, I love to share.

    Brenna was a cute, somewhat chubby, 9 year old blonde German girl who absolutely loved to have friends.  She was a defensive player on Bob Peterson’s all girl soccer team.  Speed was not her forte, but power was behind her foot.  There was no chance of that ball making it past her when she was on the job.  She would bomb it out of the field every time.  She loved it.

    Brenna loved to sing, act, dance, ride her bike, play school with her brothers and sister, and act out Britney Spears shows on our front porch for the neighbor kids (when Britney was actually a good role model, of course.)  She was a very active little girl.

    The ENT said he needed to remove her tonsils & adenoids to help her with her snoring and restlessness at nights.  It was the first time ever we’d taken one of our kids to the hospital-except the minor incident of Brenna cutting her chin open falling onto the corner of the kitchen counter when she was 3.  The ER nurses said she was the bravest and best behaved child they’d seen.

     So the surgery was without incident.  However, in the recovery room, I was holding her on my lap when her face turned a strange hue of navy blue.  I screamed for the nurse and they whisked her away.  They administered Narcan, which reversed the effect of the Demoral they had given her for pain.  Poor girl had no pain medication for 4 hours.  But she was so brave.

    So, the doc determined that she was allergic to Demoral and sent us home with Lortab.  I’ve learned since that they are in the same narcotic family.  Hmmm.  It's not rocket science.

    I am not an avid administer-er of medications, so I only gave Brenna one dose when she complained that it ‘really hurt.’  2 nights after, she woke up in the night with chills and pain.  She was NEVER cold.  I wrapped her up in a warm blanket, gave her ½ a dose of the Lortab and put her back to sleep.

    When Gordon and I checked on her early the next morning, she was catatonic, staring at the ceiling, biting her tongue, which was completely white, and foam was all over her chest.  Gordon tried to pry her mouth open and get her tongue where it belonged and she bit him-hard!  We were told later that she was having a seizure but they didn’t find seizure activity on her EEG. 

    My motherly instincts kicked in and I told Gordon to put her in the car.  I drove her to the nearest hospital, JordanValley, and expected Gordon to get the other 4 kids off to school.  We both called our parents.  G’ma Joyce went to stay with the kids so Gordon could be at the hospital with me and Brenna.  She’s so thoughtful that way.  Someday I'll grow up to be just like my mom.

    When I reached the ER door, Brenna’s eyes were peacefully closed and it looked like she was just sleeping.  I tried to wake her up, but to no avail.  I ran in the door and asked for help.  The nurses asked if I needed a wheelchair or a gurney.  I said, “She’s asleep, so probably a gurney.”  They met me at the car with a wheelchair. 

    They ran a CT scan on Brenna and had me a Gordon look at the films.  They noted a medium sized dark blob on her brain scan and said, “She has a brainstem tumor.  We will life flight her up to Primary’s.”  Gordon and I just stared at each other for a moment and I said, “I don’t think I’m going to handle this very well.”

   Not 2 months before that morning did I say this exact thing to Gordon, "We are so blessed!  Everything is great in our lives!  We have a great house, our kids are all  110% students, and you have a great job!  God is saving up for something." 

   Shut my mouth.

Not a day goes by that I don't think about my Brenna.  It's getting a little more emotional for me as I follow our other kids along their paths of this mortal life.  I wonder what Brenna would be doing and how she would look so beautiful, a 15 year old young lady, and how she would be walking, maybe with a little limp, and going into high school next year with her huge circle of friends.  I miss being her mom.  But I know she is blissfully happy and will be seeing us soon.

Speaking of being a mom, I wanted to share my wonderful Mother's Day with you.  My kids were so excited to fix me breakfast for the first time ever.  Hannah learned how to make crepes the week before and she and Jordan (for safety assurance) made beautiful crepes.  Aaron sliced the strawberries and Kaleb set my placemat and got me a glass of milk.  It was fabulous!

After church, another opportunity to realize my regard for our bishop, Gordon asked me how to make egg salad sandwiches.  The kids all helped peel the eggs and we grabbed some bread to go.  Gordon loaded us all in the car as I was asking, "Don't we need drinks...or plates...or chips...or a spreading knife?"  He grabbed the spreading knife and started the car.  He drove us to the cemetery and spread out some blankets around Brenna's headstone.  He unloaded the FULL picnic he had shopped for the day before (which is BIG because Gordon doesn't shop!)  There were drinks, chips, and even a veggie plate.  He placed Brenna's pictures near me and played the CD he'd made special for the occasion.  He even had a few gifts.  We spent hours eating, talking and visiting.

It was the second best Mother's Day ever!  Gordon looked shocked and asked, "What is your BEST?"

Well, I remember when Brenna first went into the hospital 2 weeks before Mother's Day in 2002.  She was pretty much a little vegetable and couldn't do or say much of anything.  My sweet sis, Karrene, sat with Brenna so I could go to church.  When I returned to the hospital, Brenna gave me a kiss and said, "I love you, Mom."  I will NEVER forget that special moment.

"Through tears and trials, through fears and sorrows, through the heartache and loneliness of losing loved ones, there is assurance that life is everlasting. Our Lord and Savior is the living witness that such is so."

(Thomas S. Monson, "I Know That My Redeemer Lives!" Ensign, May 2007, 25)