augat.org Brenna The Angel

We can’t believe Brenna would have been 16 today!  And in high school!  She would have been a beautiful redhead (color of choice) & the sweetest friend to all 5,000 students there!  I’m sure they would have voted her Homecoming Queen!  Her Oma, who spoiled her rotten, would have been part in her dream car…a burnt orange Pontiac Sunfire.  But, like her Aunt Alicia said, “Imagine what she is driving now!”  She doesn’t need a car when not tied to mortal strings.  She is jumping & dancing & singing! 

 

We are, too, because today is the day we were blessed with you!  (It was a terrible snowstorm 16 years ago too!)  We are blessed to be her parents.  Jordan, Aaron, Kaleb & Hannah are blessed to be her siblings.  All of us are blessed to have part in her mortal existence.  She brought us so much joy with her laugh & her smile & her soooo sweet personality. 

 

Every year, we are going to celebrate her birthday by trying to be closest to her…at the temple.  We are doing a 6:00 PM session on Wednesday the 7th @ the Jordan River temple for anyone who would like to join us.

 

HAPPY BIRTHDAY SWEET ANGEL!  Can’t wait to see you again!

 

Your mom & dad

I have not really shared this before. I remember the Christmas before Brenna was diagnosed with a brain tumor. She was 8 years old and was participating in the ward christmas party. She and some of the girls in her primary class were dressed in white as angels and sang "Angels We Have Heard on High" to celebrate the birth of the Savior. Brenna was really never known for her singing, but durring this performace she truly sounded angelic. As I listened, I had a strong feeling that Brenna truly sang at the actual birth of the Savior and that the same angels that sang with her, were helping her at this Christmas performance. And perhaps they strengthened her and prepared her for what she would endure the next 4 years. I really miss my Brenna, but I know she is always with us and watching over us. I know we will be with her again.

If you are reading this for the first time, please start at the bottom to read the beginning of Brenna's journey.

Entry from my journal in 2002:

Saturday, May 4^th, in the morning when the docs made their rounds, they were scratching their heads about it all when dad (totally inspired) requested that you be taken off all the meds they had you on.  Dr. Maloney didn’t want to at first.  But then he said, “If you are willing to help with her care while she comes down off all the meds, we’ll do it.”  He meant if we were there to help hold you down while you thrashed.  Of course we would!  We have been there every hour since you were admitted.  They couldn’t take you off the degadron (steroids) because they might be doing surgery for the tumor and it has to be taken down in lowered doses.  And they couldn’t take you off Fentenyl because it is an addictive drug.  They had to give you increasing doses of Methadone to reach the level of Fentenyl and then bring them both down together.  I couldn’t believe it!  They had turned my daughter into a drug addict!  That Saturday afternoon, mom and dad had to coach soccer games for your brothers.  Aunt Alicia who was in town from Lake Powell, and G’ma Joyce sat with you.  Well, just after the games, we got a call from G’ma Joyce telling us you just had a seizure.  They had tried to give you Ketamine, a pain killer, because you still had the ventilator tube in.  You didn’t like that very much either and you had a mild seizure.  It was just the tensing up kind.  But that’s how we found out you were allergic to that drug.    The drug allergy list kept growing.

 

But you still had a ways to go to come down off the drugs.  You still got agitated and threw some fits.  Cory, your most awesome nurse, reminded me when mom was staying with you and you were very agitated and not having a good night.  We both tried to calm you down by rubbing your head and your feet and playing music and reading to you and hugging you.  Cory happened to pop in a Pokemon movie.  Your eyes wandered over to the movie and they became glued to it.  It calmed you down immensely.  Mom took a snooze and Cory kept popping in the Pokemon movies.  When the movie stopped, you started throwing a fit.  So Cory had one movie rewinding so he could pop it in quick when the one you were watching ended.  We had found a non-drug sedative!

 

Gordon and I were praying and fasting for answers.  Along with our family, friends, ward family, and even people we didn’t know who were invited by friends to pray for Brenna in their own faiths.  It was a very ‘close to the Spirit’ time for us.  Gordon said his own prayers and I am grateful he listens for direction.

We were very frustrated with the docs as they had no answers for us and didn’t seem to know what to do next.

On about 8^th day in PICU, we were meeting with the head doc, and Gordon stated, with a surety, “We want you to take Brenna off all the medications she is receiving.”  Well, of course, the head doc was taken aback and fought us on this decision.  He said he would only take her off if we would be there 24/7 to help with the reactions she might have coming off the serious drugs they put into her.  She was on a medication, I think it was Fentanyl, that they couldn’t take her off of unless they administered increasing doses of Methadone up to a certain level and then brought them both down simultaneously.  It was amazing the amount of drugs they so readily introduce to such a little body. 

All the while, Brenna was on a ventilator.  We wanted that out so bad.  The docs kept telling us that was not possible unless Brenna regained her gag reflex.  They would always stick their tongue depressors down her throat with no reaction.  We were frustrated.  And apparently, Brenna was fed up with it too.

 

On day 10 in the PICU, it was a Sunday.  Gordon and I were at Brenna’s side with a visit from our family friend, Paul.  Brenna started chewing on the ventilator tube and the docs told us if she bit through it, the end would go into her lungs and they would have to do emergency surgery to get it out.  So they tried bite guards in the back of her teeth.  But she kept biting and grinding so hard, she would bite her cheeks and blood started dripping out the sides of her mouth.  We were so frantic.  We insisted the docs take out the ventilator.  Again, he stated, “only if there is a gag.”  So he stuck his stick down her throat and she gagged!  So out the tube came.  After all the hullabaloo, and the docs left, Brenna opened her eyes, looked up at me and smiled the biggest smile.  We cried.  It was a miracle.  Our nurse snapped a Polaroid of the moment.

 

Later that week, we were told by Gordon’s sister, who lived across the street from us, truly why we were blessed with that miracle.

 

Our wonderful bishop, Bishop Holloman, asked our ward to fast for Brenna that very Sunday.  Sacrament meeting was first and I heard it was a beautiful meeting.  At the end of the meeting, Bishop Holloman got up to speak.  But he was crying so hard, he had to sit down and write down his thoughts.  His counselor read it for him.  It went something like this:  “There is such a special spirit in this chapel today.  I see angels all about the room.”  Sacrament meeting ended at noon and those angels flew right up to Primary Children’s Hospital and told Brenna to wake up.  She began the ventilator issue about 12:15. 

 

We were so blessed to witness another modern day miracle in our Brenna’s journey.

  We flew up to PCMC as fast as you can in a Chevy Suburban.  We didn’t beat LifeFlight, however.  When we arrived at Brenna’s bedside in the PICU, she had about 12 tubes and lines hooking into her including a ventilator to help her breathe.  We had never seen a picture quite like this before and especially on our child.  We were astounded.  We were led to a consultation room (which we grew to hate) where the docs all come in and ask questions and tell us things we never thought we’d hear.

  They did an MRI and told us she was like a drowning victim who suffered an ‘hypoxic injury’ (went without oxygen for a bit.)  She had some brain damage-but it was correctable.  They determined that the tumor had nothing to do with this incident and would worry about that at a much later date.  OK.  When you hear ‘cancer,’ don’t you picture immediate action?  It was kind of strange to put cancer on the back burner for 4 months.

  I guess the Lord knows what he is doing because, what we went through the next 6 weeks, my soul could not take on dealing with both situations.  But, Gordon’s strength in his priesthood and faith in God helped me be strong and have pure hope for Brenna’s future.  We just dove in and did what needed to be done.  I remember a mom of another PICU child whom I talked and laughed with for a bit.  A little later she brought Brenna a balloon and shared with me that I helped her deal with her situation because I could laugh.

  She spent 10 days in PICU on roughly 9 meds at one time, on a ventilator, and a feeding tube.  Gordon’s twin brother, Karl, who lived in NY at the time, caught the next flight to SLC and was there with Gordon and Brenna constantly.  He was a welcome strong shoulder for Gordon.  Those who know my husband know he is a very quiet private person.  He is a problem solver (computer programmer) and he was very vexed that he couldn’t solve this one.  Having Karl there for him was so heart touching.  He brought Brenna a stuffed Tigger and laid it in bed next to her.  She loved that Tigger.

  The frustrating thing was that the meds were supposed to sedate and calm her.  But, her eyes would suddenly open and she would thrash in her bed like a recovering drug addict.  It was not good for all the tubes and needles poking into her, so they tied her wrists and ankles to the bed so she wouldn’t move around so much.  It was heart breaking.  I remember one time, we had this FABULOUS nurse named Kory.  He was a tall, dark, and hand…oops, big guy.  Ute was sitting with Brenna while I ran an errand.  And, upon my return, I came upon one of Brenna’s thrashing episodes and both she and Kory were trying to hold Brenna down.  When it ended, they were both sweating.  Brenna is a very strong girl!

  Gordon and I went to the temple about 4 days into this whole thing.  We got to be the token couple and participate in the prayer circle.  Never had the words, “give a blessing to those in this company who are searching,” meant so much to us.  We sat and cried and prayed in the celestial room.  When we returned to Brenna’s bed, our nurse, Elsebet, said she had been inspired to lower the dose of Versed Brenna was receiving.  Miraculously, Brenna calmed down and her episodes were few and far between.  Amazingly, the head doc got upset @ Elsebet for doing it.  But that was the first of many miracles for us.

  Oh, the power of the temple and of prayer and inspiration.  We were grateful our nurse was in tune to be the Lord’s tool for our Sweet Angel.